Grown Man's Lullaby
by elizaschuylerr
Summary: Nathan/Selena one parter - because why not go back 10 years! Nathan struggles with pressures of the ED closing and it's up to Selena to try and get him through it.


Hello! New writer here bringing back some Casualty nostalgia, circa 2006 with Nathan and Selena :) all comments and thoughts greatly appreciated. Lyrics in italic are the song 'Grown Man's Lullaby' by Elizabeth Carling. Hope you enjoy!

 **Grown Man's Lullaby**

 _Come on baby, set that drink down by the bed_

 _Lie back gently, you've no need to hold your head_

 _Why not listen to a simple song instead_

 _To a grown man's lullaby_

'...hey, come on. Try and sleep.'

Watching the world go by, Nathan stood staring out of the bedroom window. Cars zoomed past, the size of little ants, their apartment on the 10th floor rising above the hustle and bustle of the busy Holby street below. He could feel Selena getting tense, knowing that she was tired, and whilst he felt damned awful about it, he just couldn't sleep... again. He sipped at the whisky that seemed to have become a permanent feature in his hand on these cold, dark nights, and sighed. He just couldn't switch off this evening. After much deliberation, he turned back to her and attempted to smile. She looked gorgeous even when she was angry at him.

'I've told you, I can't. I'll go through to the living room... you need your rest.'

Selena rolled her eyes half-heartedly as he repeated what they'd been through for the past three weeks. She wasn't going to take it any more. Sure, he had a problem, and she understood that; she just hadn't thought it would be this bad. Insomnia, she found, was a complete bitch, and if she could do something for it to stop consuming Nathan's life then she absolutely would. She thought about the day ahead tomorrow – a glorious 12-hour shift in ED, for the second day running – and sat up in bed, attempting to at least get him to join her there.

'No, I don't want you to. I want you to get back into bed and lie with me. And put that drink down... it won't help.'

She knew she had to be straight with him; nothing else would work. And just when she thought they were getting somewhere, when last night he'd at least closed his eyes and _looked_ asleep for at least 10 minutes, they were back to square one. Selena also knew that he was under such an insane amount of stress that it'd be a minor miracle for him to wind down now. With the ED drawing ever closer to closure, it was down to Nathan (occasionally aided by Harry) to spear the campaign to save it, and she was proud of his efforts so far. She just wanted him to realise that for them to get anywhere – in both their work and personal lives – he needed to get well again. Nathan begrudgingly placed the tumbler down on his bedside table and perched on the edge of the double bed.

 _I believe that you are good_

 _I believe that you are strong_

 _Oh hush, don't try to speak_

 _Tell me tomorrow that I'm wrong_

Selena didn't want to push him, not in the state he was in, but she couldn't just sit there. She wanted him - needed him - to show something, anything, some sort of affection. Moving over and placing a hand on his back, she was surprised when he didn't move. Every other night had been a 'get off me, leave me alone' kind of night. Why this one was so different, she didn't know, but she hoped that this was a good sign.

'So, Nath... talk to me. Tell me what it is and I promise you, I'll understand.'

He turned his torso around to look at her again, and stared at her blankly. How could he tell her what it was when he didn't even understand?

'… I don't know.'

'There must be something.'

'No, there isn't.'

But as he looked into her caring eyes, he could feel himself crumbling. He couldn't not tell her, not now. He was slowly coming to realise that what he was doing wasn't fair. Selena had chosen him as a life partner, and this was how he repaid her. How was she going to marry him when he was acting like this? Even if the sleepless nights couldn't be helped... he could at least tell her the reason why.

Selena didn't know how on earth their marriage was going to last – not a great thing, she observed, before it'd even begun. But just as she was thinking, 'oh God he won't tell me, he doesn't trust me, this is useless', Nathan opened his mouth to speak.

'I just...' He stopped, and she looked at him intently, with a warm smile that prompted him to continue, 'I just worry that I'm not good enough. For anything. For you, for the campaign, for anyone...'

'That's rubbish, Nathan.'

'So that radio interview...'

Selena sighed. 'You don't need to keep worrying about that, it was fine. You did what you had to do and you did it professionally... the others just like to pick fault in any way they can because you're management. That's all.'

'So why do they hate me apart from you? What did _you_ see that made you think, oh he isn't a douchebag, actually?'

Selena didn't even need to think about that question.

'I saw you. Just as you are. You, who needs to believe that you are good at what you do, you're wonderful... you, who needs to realise that the others don't matter. And...' she paused, gauging his reaction so far, and as she felt satisfied she continued,

'You don't realise, but you have to put up with some awful shit... at work especially. You also have to deal with me which is a job and a half.' She laughed slightly and saw him chuckle too, making her feel warm inside as she continued, 'And yet you just get on with it, like the strong person you are.'

He didn't quite believe her. 'Pfft...'

'Shush.' She cut him off before he could even consider another reply. 'Argue with me in the morning... if you dare...' She laughed softly and rubbed his back gently. 'But know that I've said what I needed to, for now. And thank you for telling me what's wrong. I'm proud of you.'

 _I believe that you are tender_

 _That you hunger for what's true_

 _So hush, let this lullaby_

 _Help your heart believe it too_

Selena knew that Nathan struggled massively with his emotions. It wasn't in his nature to show love, but she accepted that as being a personality trait she'd have to deal with. Sex, to him, wasn't professing love – she felt it was something he perhaps did just to please her. And whilst she knew it was never going to break their relationship, she wished that he would at least let her try to help him open up.

Nathan backed even further onto the bed, catching a glimpse of another smile from Selena as he moved to be beside her. He loved it when she smiled; she had this radiance that could make anyone feel better – he guessed that it must be a 'doctor thing'. He rubbed his eyes and nodded slightly at her, not knowing what else to say. Selena nodded back.

'Is that it, Nath... what else is there... there must be something...'

And there it was, too much probing; he felt stressed and tense and flinched when she moved her hand onto his thigh. She knew she'd gone too far and retreated, sighing heavily as she returned to her side of the bed.

'Sorry. I'm only trying to help.'

'I know you are, Selena. But it isn't as easy as that.'

'But what if it is?'

'What do you mean?'

'I know you. You want to get better. You're fighting with yourself constantly, I can see it... stuck between a rock and a hard place.'

Nathan knew she was right.

 _Come on baby, dream of eyes that understand_

 _I remember once you slept holding my hand_

 _There's no one to fight you here, no need to take a stand_

 _Just a grown man's lullaby_

He knew she was right, he just didn't know how to react. His childhood had taught him that, with his aggressive, strict parents, sometimes it was best not to react at all. He'd told Selena all those stories, but had assured her that he was okay, he'd learnt to deal with it, memories had been lost and he was never looking back – but deep down, they both knew that wasn't the case. Whilst Selena had been through strings of failed relationships – she always joked that her amazing advice-giving skills came from having been dragged through so much shit – she was the first person he had really loved. Sure, there'd been girls, but none of them were like her. She could make him laugh, smile, and make him feel appreciated when he needed it the most. With Selena, he felt he could be himself – which is how he'd got himself into this stupid situation in the first place.

Selena, on the other hand, had initially found it difficult being in such an 'unconventional' relationship. For the first few months she had wondered why he was so cold – she was used to pretty much jumping into bed with men – but with Nathan, things had been different. He'd taken her to nice places, made sure she was taken care of, and despite there being no initial 'passion', she'd missed him when they'd spent time apart. When things were taken up a notch, she found herself not needing the emotional support she once craved, knowing that Nathan was very much trying his best; there had been days when she'd come home from work and cried, and he would simply sit there with an arm around her and not say anything. And that was okay – that was just who he was.

'Hey, do you remember...'

Uh oh, Nathan thought, she's using when we first got together again. It was Selena's way of trying to make him realise that how he was acting was totally stupid, and too right; he probably deserved it.

'…a few weeks ago...'

Oh? He wasn't expecting that one.

'...we lay here talking about stuff, our wedding, life. We laughed that much we were exhausted. And then we slept holding hands and only woke up when you sneezed...' Selena giggled softly and saw him smile too. 'It's the little things you remember, isn't it...'

'Yeah, I guess.'

'You should think about them more. When you have a bad moment at work, think of all the nice things we could be doing.'

'Don't mention work.'

'Listen Nathan, there's no one here to doubt you. I'm not going to hurt you or make you feel like shit. Let your guard down. Please. You'll be okay. We'll get through this together.'

 _You've been shadowboxing with your soul_

 _You've been in black and blue_

 _For one night, try to step down from the ring_

 _For one night, lie there easy_

He knew this was the time to respond – and fast.

'I guess you're right.'

Selena's ears pricked up as he spoke once more. At any other given moment, she'd take the time to make some sort of sarcastic reply, but for now she didn't quite know what to say. She thought she'd finally got through to him; although she didn't want to give herself false hope, his unusually calm demeanour gave it away. Nathan rose from the bed and downed the rest of the whisky. She sighed, thinking they'd backtracked.

'What're you doing?'

No answer.

'Nathan?'

He stared at her. She wasn't quite sure what he was thinking, or even what he'd do next. He couldn't reply, his face etched with thought processes that were unfamiliar to him.

'Fine then, go sleep on the sofa again.' She hated playing the guilt trip but it was the only route she had left. 'Leave me on my own for another night...'

'No. I can't. I need to take control of this, Selena... it isn't fair. Not on me, not on you, not on _us_. I want us to be happy, more than anything...' He looked back from the whisky glass to Selena; she was now staring at him dumbfounded, wondering where on earth all this had suddenly come from. He suddenly found a pang of uncertainty and edged closer to her for re-assurance. 'Say something, Sel... please... anything...'

'I love you.'

And with that, Nathan suddenly unfolded the covers, and slipped into bed.

 _And I'll sing, for you I'll sing_

 _For you_

Neither of them could say anything as they lay, their chests slowly rising and falling with every deep breath they took.

'Turn off the light.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah.'

'Are you okay?'

Nathan nodded, and as Selena leant up and turned the light off, he edged closer to her. Close enough that she could feel he was nearby. She responded with a happy sigh, and felt the connection between them once more.

'Nathan...'

'Shh, don't. It's alright.'

He thought for a moment before moving his hand. Moving it straight into hers, and holding it tight.

'...now let's hope I don't sneeze this time.'

They both burst into uncontrollable laughter. All the emotions from their last few stressful, tiring weeks came out in a massive mass of sound. Enough to exhaust the both of them.

Besides, Nathan felt okay. Even more than that; he felt content. Selena took his hand and brought it up to her face, kissing it gently.

'Goodnight.'

'Goodnight Selena... and thank you.'

And with that, they both fell asleep.

 _Come on baby, set that drink down by the bed_

 _Lie back gently, you've no need to hold your head_

 _Why not listen to a simple song instead_

 _To a grown man's lullaby_


End file.
